J.F. Posthumus

J.F. Posthumus

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Virginia, United States
A computer tech and artist that thrives on writing fantasy to escape the harshness of reality.
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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Teaser Tuesday

For my Purgie Friends... and anyone else who stumbles across this blog, lol. Teaser Tuesday: Xantos turned his attention to the instructor, who had insulted both his great-granddaughter and the race of docelfar. Worse yet, he had insulted the lessons that he had personally taught Alixandra, the sole child whom he planned on molding into his heir. Each student watched the docelfar. He was, obviously, a member of the elves whispered about and rarely seen. Masters of deceit, treachery, and intrigue, they were rarely seen anywhere but in the Underground beneath the city of Fellhaven and the Great Forest. It was said the Great Forest was their territory and only those invited could enter and leave with their lives. It was unbelievable to many, Xantos had learned, that one from such a race would be standing within the Guild halls interrupting the class with such authority. Denying any of that race anything they desired was as wise an idea as ordering a dragon about: It frequently ended in the debater’s death. Orange eyes slowly traveled over the students pausing only briefly upon Xandra. When his eyes fell upon Segav, they narrowed slightly and a small frown pulled at the corner of his lips. Segav met the elder elf’s stare and held it. Xantos bowed his head slightly and the frown vanished as he turned his attention towards the instructor. The boy shows potential. Perhaps I should test him- it may prove amusing to see just how far he will go to earn my permission to court Xandra. Xantos thought as he studied the man who was now attempting to make himself more presentable, despite the melted silk that now clung together in charred lumps. A cold, cruel smile curled his lips as he moved into the room. Xandra shows great potential... but she needs more guidance. “Perhaps my senses have dulled over the millennia,” Xantos began in the silken, soft voice that he knew would make the skin at Xandra’s nape crawl, “Or perhaps intelligence is no longer a requirement for instructors. I will have to confront the Guild’s board members about their criteria for tenure.” The orange eyes locked onto Budtrizz. “More of my time wasted upon sniveling animals. There can be no doubt, however, that respect and wisdom are not applied within this room.” The long fingered hands of Xantos pressed against the surface of the teacher’s desk. The face, resembling ebony stone that had, horrifically, become animated, leaned close. Budtrizz kept his composure, despite the beads of sweat trickling from his hairline. The soft, silken voice drifted from the dreadful, smiling mouth of the docelfar lord. “One teaches first by example. A student that surpasses expectation is a prize rarely seen by those that instruct. A foolish tongue cannot aid its mewling owner after it has been torn from the mouth it calls home. Perhaps you, oh great scholar, have heard these pillars of truth?” Budtrizz nodded once, nervously before attempting to stiffen his spine further, and hold his head a little higher in defiance. The cold smile on Xantos’s face grew wider, more grotesque. “Let us take the rest of today’s lesson to concentrate on those first two truths. The third…may be presented in today’s instruction.”

7 comments:

  1. I love the glimpse of the universe we get here! This looks really fascinating. It wants a bit of spit and polish, but there are some really chilling moments - well done!

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  2. Thanks! Any suggestions on how to tighten and polish it up??

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  3. There's a lot more "telling" than action in this excerpt. It reads like a synopsis at first, but the dialogue is good towards the end. Watch out for redundancies. You tell us Xantos has a soft, silken voice twice. Actually, once you say silken, soft voice, but it's the same thing.

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  4. Ah hah!!! Thanks! I've noticed a few other things... maybe this is why people love editors so much? *chuckling*

    It's actually the second chapter start and the intro to xantos who plays a major part in the novel. maybe we could shorten the info on the docelfar a bit, too.

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  5. I'm getting a lot of info dumping in here and I don't think you need it. Right off the bat, too. Literally, the only action is the whole first part is this:

    "Xantos turned his attention to the instructor. Orange eyes slowly traveled over the students pausing only briefly upon Xandra. When his eyes fell upon Segav, they narrowed slightly and a small frown pulled at the corner of his lips. Segav met the elder elf’s stare and held it. Xantos bowed his head slightly and the frown vanished as he turned his attention towards the instructor."

    The rest is all info dump, things you should be showing us, sprinkling in throughout the novel, not stopping to tell us. Also, the first sentence and last sentence are incongruent. Time to take a red pen and do some slashing.

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  6. I think it sounds pretty good. You already have some good advice so I have nothing to add.

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  7. Gretchen is right. You've got a richly imagined world going on, but you're giving us too much in too little span on time.

    I went through this same problem with my first book, and if you spread out your world-building, your plot will flow so much better. The difference will amaze you! Infodumps slow down the plot, so if you spread them out (a little bit at a time) the pacing will even out.

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