J.F. Posthumus
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- J.F. Posthumus
- Virginia, United States
- A computer tech and artist that thrives on writing fantasy to escape the harshness of reality.
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Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Something Different...
This is what I get for having really weird dreams. I loved the cabin that I dreamed and had to write it down. So, I wrote it differently. In First Person. If it sucks, PLEASE TELL ME!!!!! (You can even say it sucks and I need to stick to 3rd person...)
Anywhos, I have no clue where to go with it or anything, which means it'll probably sit in the "other stories" folder and take up space. :)
Enjoy!!!
*********************************************************
Anywhos, I have no clue where to go with it or anything, which means it'll probably sit in the "other stories" folder and take up space. :)
Enjoy!!!
*********************************************************
I was supposed to meet my father-in-law in Ivy but the way the car was acting, there was no way I’d make it. Fortune, however, was smiling down on her for the next exit held hope. Taking the offramp and following the sharp curved road between the dense trees, I veered right and kept following the road through the small subdivision. Well, it wasn’t even a subdivision, considering there was maybe five houses a four-way stoplight with a service station across from her, a small building to my right, on my left, a house.
The light turned green and she urged the car forward, thankful it hadn’t, yet, cut out on me. Following the straight road, I grinned as I saw a family shield with what looked like a flourish of feathers on the top and a bright yellow shield cut into four parts. A raven sat in the top portion with a pair of crossed swords directly below it. A helmet to a suit of armor sat smiling at the very bottom.
Turning beside the sign declaring the Hoggenshire Restaurant was straight ahead, I followed the road lined with trees on both sides to the rustic, yet unusual looking building situated on the left. A parking lot half-full sat on the right and in front of the restaurant.
Coaxing the Chevy Blazer into the first available space on the parking lot, I hopped out of the car, slamming the door shut and clicking the lock twice. The horn sounded twice as I turned towards the rustic cabin-like building.
It was a two-story building built like log cabins, except where log cabins used rounded logs, this building had flat light brown, almost tan, flat wood siding. A wide ramp led up to the restaurant and I couldn’t help but smile at a childhood memory of playing on the restaurant side as it was being built. My cousin and I would hopscotch and run across the unfinished, open floor. My aunt and uncle had not even started placing the booths and they were free to run and play.
Now, the sides were almost solid panes of glass kept spotless on the outside and inside. Or as much as a restaurant could, that is. Patrons of the restaurant could watch from the three walls of windows as others strode up the ramp to the restaurant or the birds that flittered amongst the trees and bushes. In the winter, bird feeders could be seen filled with food for them while large squirrel feeders were filled with corn.
The fourth side of the restaurant was opened into a more rustic-appearing open room where there was a large wood stove in the dropped floor. Screens lined each side and a wood box filled in summer and winter both, kept the fire burning. Never did the restaurant fill with smoke, which was a miracle in itself.
Running up the ramp, I opened the door, and paused to look around in search of my aunt, uncle, or cousin. Before I could see any of them, or be offered a table by a waiter or waitress, my phone rang. Hitting the talk button, I answered.
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It's very refreshing to see you write something other than the high fantasy, which I admit I find more difficult to connect with. Some nice descriptions of the restaurants and your MC's feelings, but there are several POV switches - going back and forth between first and third - which really through me.
ReplyDeleteAlso you still need to be aware of repetition. Words like "shield" and "restaurant" come up so many times in close proximity, it's distracting. And the last sentence - "Hitting the talk button, I answered" - is basically like saying "I answered, I answered."
lol, thanks, Gretchen. I first started writing this in third, then went back and started switching it to first, so I must've missed a few things.
ReplyDeleteI'll go back over it for repetition later... though I doubt it'll go anywhere, since I've got NO idea for a storyline.
thanks for reading and commenting!!!!
Wow, what a change for you! I thought you handled the first person just fine. The problem a lot of people have with it is filtering, and I didn't notice any. I also didn't notice the POV switch Gretchen mentioned, but the repetition did stand out for me too. Gretchen did a good job of giving examples, and that's an easy thing to fix.
ReplyDeleteWatch out for things like in the last paragraph: "Running up the ramp, I opened the door, and paused..." Logically, your MC can't do all those 3 things at once. It's easy to fall into that trap, though.
wow! what a change!
ReplyDeleteI can't really add much to what Gretchen and Ink said, re repetition.
I'd definitely think of a story to go with this if I were you. I suspect this POV is closer to your true writer's voice.
This is a nice change although I like what you write. As said before there is some POV switching going on but all in all it's great.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone! I'm a bit surprised you think I did so well! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteSue: Nah, I'm more of a mockingbird. I tend to copy what I read unconsciously. Not content or story, but writing style. I've been reading 1st person, so this was fairly easy to write. Plus, it was a dream, which means I was basically writing everything that happened IN the dream.
Every so often, I'll have dreams like this that stand out that I can actually articulate. The dream didn't have a plot (unlike some of 'em) so I've no clue where in the Hells to go with it.
*shrugs* It was fun to write, though, and when I reread the excerpt I caught the problems. which means I'll be editing it now. thanks. :p I was hoping to get out of it lol.
I liked it, Jy! I mean, I also caught the POV shifts, but your first person voice sounded natural to me! :) Maybe you need to dream up a story, now!
ReplyDeletelol, wouldn't that be nice??? Some of my dreams have actual plots and storylines. this one didn't...
ReplyDeleteat some point I'll probably talk to Mark and see if he can help me come up with a story, but not until after we finish Banshee's Daughter, though.
A LITTLE TOO DESCRIPTIVE FOR MY TASTE, BUT OTHERS MIGHT LIKE THAT SORT OF THING. A FEW NOTES. THE "LOG CABINS" COULD BE DESCRIBED AS "FRAME HOUSES" THEY ARE DESIGNED THE WAY YOU DESC. OR YOU COULD LIKEN THEM TO AN OLD BARN. ALSO THERE ARE A COUPLE OF PLACES WHERE YOU SWAP FROM 1ST TO SOMETHING ELSE, USING "SHE & HER" INSTEAD OF "I". YOU DID PAINT A VIVID PICTURE FOR THE READER THOUGH. GOOD JOB ON THAT.
ReplyDelete