J.F. Posthumus

J.F. Posthumus

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Virginia, United States
A computer tech and artist that thrives on writing fantasy to escape the harshness of reality.
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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Teaser Tuesday - Gardev's Intro

Well, I thought I'd post the intro of the vampire, Gardev, today. He's a delightful chap, not the typical cold-hearted, blood-thirsty type that goes with the typical mythos... not exactly the sweetheart of your typical romance, either. No back story required for this one, so hopefully this will keep you curious as to what comes next.
Chapter Four
Twilight. The time between day and night when neither moon nor sun has set or risen in the sky. It is when the therians and vampires start to prowl the night looking for their next victim. Cloaked in darkness, a figure watched as the pirate Corentin, more commonly known as the Fox, shuffled drunkenly towards a side alley. Corentin was widely despised in several lands, especially Urshad. The Fox was a first mate on the Wicked Siren and often took a month away from his duties to enjoy entertainment found only on land. It was fortunate that he had found the Fox as he awaited his compatriot. He had a personal vendetta to settle with Corentin and the fact no one would care if this lowly pirate met death only made it that much sweeter. Well, people might not hate the fact the Fox was dead, but he doubted anyone would be thrilled with the method if it was discovered. Shrugging the possibilities of being caught or his methods discovered he followed the drunken pirate silently into the alley. The sharp tang of rum flowed behind the pirate and the man licked his lips. He hoped it had been decent rum; he’d hate to not be able to enjoy his forthcoming meal. The pirate paused and lifted the empty bottle, letting the last few vestiges of the drink drip into his open mouth before throwing it against the brick building. Glass shattered, breaking the air and the Fox’s assailant took that opportunity to sweep forward with an inhuman speed. Gripping the man’s throat with one hand, he jerked the Fox’s head backwards as his other arm snaked around him in an iron-tight grip. Hissing softly, he bit into the pirate’s neck, his fangs sinking into his flesh. Despite the pirate’s thrashing and struggling, Gardev drank deeply from the man’s throat. The rum added a tasty tang to the man’s blood; one reason why Gardev enjoyed praying upon drunkards. Unlike most of the Strigoi from the Shades of Death, Gardev only preyed upon those who were deserving of death, like the pirate he now fed from, or those willing to give him the blood he needed to survive. That wasn’t to say he couldn’t be evil and cruel enough to take what he wanted, when he wanted. Gardev believed he was civilized and above such depravity. Instead of drinking all the blood from him, which would have been far too suspicious, he drank his fill and then snapped the man’s neck. Sliding a dagger from his belt, Gardev sliced the man from ear to ear, being certain to cut through the fang marks. Dropping the body to the ground, he licked the last few drops of blood from his lips and sauntered off into the dark. He wouldn’t feed for another night or two, a distinct advantage since he was to be traveling with his compatriot for the next week. Perhaps if he were fortunate they would be stopping in his favored villages where he had a few ‘donors’ who enjoyed the benefits of being fed from by a vampire. A sly smile curled his lips as Gardev made his way to the inn where he was staying. Despite the fact most feared and hated the Strigoi, there were those who enjoyed pain and bleeding while having enjoying a romp in the hay, as the old adage went. It didn’t hurt that simply being fed from by a vampire would not turn one into a vampire, despite rumors. Though, feeding from a pregnant woman did affect an unborn child. No one truly understood why. Such was the mystery of life and the undead. He also wasn’t going to complain about the few brothels that catered to the Strigoi, courtesy of a truce made centuries ago. The Strigoi would protect said brothels from all harm and danger. In return, they could feed without fear of being killed. Of course, said brothels were forced to keep that bit of information secret. A pity the therians didn’t have anything similar, but that was their choice. Glancing around the darkness one last time, Gardev entered the inn, a wide smile on his lips. Music drifted to his ears along with the distinct stomping of feet and feminine laughter. Ah, the dancing girls have finally arrived! He thought cheerfully, striding towards the lounge. I do hope Rio takes his time arriving. He enjoys interrupting my fun far too much.


  1. My personal preference as a reader is for significantly less backstory and info dumping, which to me is about half of this excerpt. The story is really getting lost and I found myself scanning these long paragraphs in search of the plot strain.

  2. You've got a really good way with words, but again your passage is very info dumpy. It's hard hard how to figure out how to spread it out, but keep practicing. Once you've got it, you'll realize that less really is more.

    What you've got is "too much exposition at the expense of the plot" (directly quoting what an agent said about my first book) and all you need to do is spread it out. A sentence here, a sentence there. To start, try having an info paragraph of no longer than five sentences, then have something happen. Try that every few pages and see if it helps. It took me a long time to get rid of this habit, but I'm so glad I worked hard at it!

  3. Yep, this has the makings of a very cool story, and I do love your use of detail - that alcohol could alter the taste of blood is something that'd never occurred to me! - but again, just too many words. Resist the urge to explain! Just follow the action and you'll be surprised at how much explains itself.

  4. I agree with the others about the backstory. Take out some of the info and the action would be great.

  5. thanks, everyone!!

    I think some of this is mentioned later, so I can toss a bit of it out. I'll go back over it again and whittle it down to size. :) Glad you're enjoying it, though! :D I'm having a blast writing it!

    I'll try your tip, Courtney! thanks!!!

  6. A fun read.

    He hoped it had been decent rum. Nice.

    Two notes: Shrugging the possibilities...a bit awkward of a sentence.

    And I think "praying" should be "preying".

    Also, a bit long for a teaser - had to skim at the end. Mainly because time is so short and so many teasers to get to. Good work! Trickywoo